Reclaiming The Truth About Love
As Valentine’s Day approaches, I’m reflecting on how my relationship to this holiday and love has evolved over the years. I no longer have expectations for it in the same way that I did when I was younger. I notice that this is the case for many people I know. Primarily because popular culture and media put pressure on us to be in love and to have someone special. Corporations and marketers bombard us with messages and ads influencing us to spend and fuel the economy. Thus making Valentine’s day feel like another disingenuous money grab. I find that this holiday also has a way of making people feel like they are lacking and something is missing from their lives. I know because, in the past, I’ve judged and compared myself when I was love-less and single during Valentine’s day.
So this year I decided to contemplate what I know about love and to bring some respect and reverence to it. Because I see that so many of us are or have been cynical of love or in denial of their desire for it. We’re cynical of love because we lack good examples. We’re in denial because the world tells us we are weak for wanting it. We are taught that love is outside of ourselves and we have to search for it. We are also warned of it and conditioned to be wary and fearful of its ability to last. All of these ideas and beliefs create narratives that limit our ability to know romantic love or be curious about it. To reclaim love in our lives we must let go of fear-based and patriarchal ideas about love and all of its expressions.
In honour of the power and impact that love has had in my life, as well as, the compassion I have for my younger self who once lost faith in love, I am sharing these truths with you. I hope that as you read through the four truths (there are more) I have come to know about love, you are inspired to become more open and curious about what love truly means and what an experience of it would look like in your life.
01/ Love is still very possible and alive.
I believe that love is one of the most powerful and expansive energies in the universe. One of my favourite quotes about love comes from Anne Hathaway’s character in Interstellar (2014)— Dr. Amelia Brand which states that “love is the one thing we’re capable of perceiving that transcends dimensions of time and space. Maybe we should trust that, even if we can’t understand it.” When I heard these words it resonated with a very deep part of me. It soothed many of my anxieties about losing loved ones. And it affirmed my hypothesis about love’s power and ability to heal, transform, and transcend. It also reminded me that my search and desire for love is valid and divinely human and maybe even extraterrestrial expanding into the ethers beyond time and space as we know it.
Although we are still very cynical of one another and limited in what we know about love. I choose to hold a vision that love is truly alive and possible for each of us. There is a foundation to my belief. I distinctly remember a time when I was dating this guy and things were going so well. We had so many shared interests, passion, and chemistry. We were “going with the flow” taking things day by day. After months like this, I became curious about our direction and intentions. After a few awkward conversations trying to clear the grey space and bring definition to what we were to each other, I found myself extremely heartbroken, misled, and disappointed. After we parted ways, I noticed that I was growing numb and losing faith in the possibility of a relationship. I’m going to be extremely honest and say that I made that mistake a few times. Until one day, something shifted and I became so tired of the pattern I was in. I decided that I would do something radical and become so firm and faithful about the type of love and relationship I wanted to experience. As I continued dating, I applied the sharpest discernment and patience with the intention and faith that love was still alive and possible. And not long after did that love find me.
That experience, among many, has led me to truly believe that love is listening and waiting for us to open to it. For us to admit that we don’t know enough about it and that what we do know, might be tainted and twisted by external voices, expectations, and definitions of it. Love wants us to be patient and to surrender to the process of its unfolding in our lives. To embrace the seasons of singleness and togetherness so that we can truly reflect on our patterns, challenges, and lessons in love. And ultimately, I believe that love is waiting for us to be honest about our desire to experience and know it for ourselves.
02/ Love exists inside of us.
It’s a shame generations of us we’re not taught to love ourselves first. The concept of self-love existed but its application has not been as heavily advocated for more than it is in our contemporary times. Even for myself, I feel like the first time I was exposed to the idea of self-love was in my early twenties. When I was told that I can’t possibly love another person until I learn to love myself first. I remember feeling unsure of the statement and myself because I didn’t know if I loved myself or not. What did that mean or even look like?
I was skeptical of the statements and still believe that it is debatable — I have proof of having been loved and loving others even when my self-love and self-esteem were at their lowest. So I don’t want to say that loving and being loved is impossible if you don’t love yourself. Instead, I want to say that the quality and kind of love that we can give is different when we are not able to commune with the love inside ourselves for ourselves. And that is something I am sure of from experience.
Oftentimes, without loving ourselves fully, the way we love others is complicated and woven with underlying unmet needs. Our actions and relationship dynamics are motivated and influenced by anxious and avoidant attachment styles that are defined by our early childhood experiences. Many of which remain unconscious to us as we search for love and romantic relations and only show up as triggers when we are mismatched with partners who don’t fully align with our attachment styles. When we spend time acknowledging our unmet needs and do the work to meet them in healthy ways we become aware of our triggers. And hopefully, we can come to a better definition of healthy and secure love & relationships.
Whether your discovery of self-love and your need for it is catalyzed by heartbreak, loss, or feeling unmet needs or you genuinely were guided to cultivate it doesn’t matter. What matters is that we all learn what it means. For me, self-love is the ability to be brave and vulnerable enough to look at myself clearly and honestly to see where I am struggling, triggered, or hurting. It also means that I can be compassionate and patient with those things. Self-love is also being able to express gratitude and pride for how you are thriving. It’s about being in tune with yourself, knowing your limits, and upholding your boundaries. When we practice self-love and spend more time getting to know ourselves we build self-respect, trust, and establish value in ourselves.
Knowing that love exists inside of us and is something that we can express towards ourselves, the quality of love that we aspire to experience and give to others becomes secure, trusting, and feels free. We don’t cling so tight out of fear of being left behind or alone. And we don’t hurt ourselves, searching so hard to find love for fear that it doesn’t exist. We know it exists. It is in us.
03/ Love is choice.
I do acknowledge and believe that some people can’t help who they love but as I’ve evolved through several romances and relationships I have learned that loving someone is a choice. And that although some desires and needs may be motivating and guiding us in our relationship with another, we are given the power and freedom to choose to show up to love and learn with that person each day. We have just the same power and choice to leave should we find that the love isn’t thriving or being nurtured anymore.
I prefer to view it as a choice and I have also learned to refrain from using the phrase “falling in love”. Bell Hooks affirmed the importance of rephrasing this language when she wrote “we chose to love — that was different from falling in love. Choosing meant that we exercised will, power, and agency. Falling implied a loss of power, the possibility of victimhood.” (Communion, p37). Knowing this has helped me to make peace with the past prospects who were unable to show up and bring their love to the table. It helped me to respect their decisions and choose not to want love (because they genuinely didn’t or didn’t dare to). It helped me not to spiral out in a never-ending narrative where I dissect their every action and word trying to figure out why they can’t, won’t, or don’t want to love me. And it also helped me to understand that it’s not a chance thing.
And this is something I want to encourage others to remember. Regardless if you are single, dating, or in a relationship. It’s important to move beyond the idea that once love shows up that it will take over and do its thing. We have to choose love and the actions that express it. It may feel magical but just like magic, it requires a human vessel, will, and effort.
04/ To love is to open ourselves up to change.
Everything is called to change. Nothing lasts forever. In Buddhism this is known as The Law Of Impermanence and “The Buddha taught that the source of human suffering and discontent is that we crave and cling to the things of this world under the mistaken view that they will last forever. But nothing does.” (Buddhism for Beginners, Tricycle) And it’s something that many of us have an immense aversion towards. Knowing that we will die and transition and that our loved ones too will pass is extremely unsettling to many. Especially early on when we encounter mortality for the first time by either seeing it on the news or experiencing it close to home. For me what made this harder to accept was the fact that people barely addressed it. It was tip-toed around or just said in such a matter of fact way, hiding the truth of their unease.
Buddhist teachings encourage the contemplation of impermanence and practice non-attachment as a way to relieve the suffering that comes with clinging to the material world. I also encourage contemplating and investigating the concept for yourself as a way to expand your awareness and truth about life and love.
Because I believe and have had conversations with people who were so afraid to choose love or leave an unhealthy relationship because of the fear of loss. And it’s not that we are worried about losing them to the great death we inevitably experience. We can be scared by the idea that it may not work, that each person will change, our bodies will change, our affection and love will change and they won’t be the same anymore. And so, out of fear we cling and are scared of love.
But it begs the question — if this transition is inevitable are you willing to miss what has the profound ability to be a life-changing and edifying experience with another human because you’re afraid of losing? It is a tough question, but it’s one I asked myself when I was scared or heartbroken.
Even today, I find myself emotional when I think about the loss of my loved ones. So I understand if it takes some time to accept. But I encourage you to find the courage to want to know love for yourself and add it to the list of experiences you hope to have in your life because everything worth something comes with an equally just price or effort. Love is no different.
